Dear Lexington Market
Thank you for being closed on Sundays and eliminating 98% of all walking traffic. I love being able to pull out of my parking garage and not chance hitting five non-crosswalk-using people.
With all the sincerity a letter like this can hold,
Your Across the Street Neighbor
Dear Girl Repeatedly Pulling Instead of Pushing Starbucks’ Glass Doors,
It broke my heart a little when you said, “How do I get out of here!” and everyone looked up at you. There’s no judgment here, but maybe you want to brush up on your problem-solving skills?
Don’t worry, no one laughed when you left, because we’ve all been there.
I May have Laughed a Little,
Girl in the Back Corner Who Dropped All Her Stuff After You Left
Dear Attractive Man Running Down Charles St. with No Shoes on Your Feet,
I see you aren’t against a good running outfit, but you don’t seem to see the benefit in clothing your feet. Based on this evidence alone, I can only assume you’re from Southern Louisiana too, and you realize that some things are more fun barefoot…
Mais Couillon, I understand dat but ya can’t be runnin down de Charles St. wit no shoes, non. Dat glass is gonna get ya feet, cher.
Get you some shoes, Cher, an keep wearin dem cute shorts,
Single Southern Girl with Glass-in-Foot Experience
P.S. How’s ya mom and dem?