Online Dating with Walking Pneumonia

Day 32: January 12

Get out of the house for church and brunch, because church always makes you feel better and brunch is delicious. Joke that you have walking pneumonia or something. Notice that people laugh uncomfortably and move their chairs a little further from you than normal.

Overhear a conversation you weren’t supposed to hear. That’s awkward. Remember how challenging life is when you can’t unhear things you’ve heard and you can’t unknow things you now know.

Venture to the coffee shop—by all means, keep spreading your germs—and order without thinking. Laugh when the waiter brings your food: Abita root beer and the only gumbo you’ll accept here. Comfort food. Good ole’ Louisiana comfort food.

Meet up with your trusty friend, because she knows you’re being irrational and she has some non-unknowable things happening in her life, too. Happy hour it up, and use that time to make big life decisions. Like online dating. Yeah. That’s good. Decide that you both need online dating profiles. Invite a trusty man-friend to help with this process, because you know, he’s guy and stuff. He’ll know what to say.

Somehow leave the night, the only one with an online dating profile, committed to six months when you could have sworn you clicked the “one-month trial” button, and effectively scared your first potential suitor away because (at the advice of your man-friend) you said this: “Oh, you like Breaking Bad? That’s cool, me too. It really makes me crave meth though.”

Why did any of you ever think that was funny? Related, has a very nifty block button. And that gentleman-fan-of-Breaking-Bad used it effectively.

Translation: Twenty-five is online dating. For at least five months longer than you intended.


Day 33: January 13

Go to work. Cough a bunch. Make people uncomfortable.

Translation: Twenty-five is going to work when you should probably call in sick. And making people feel uncomfortable


Day 34: January 14

Snow Day: Enjoy the cold by writing your thesis, coughing a lot, taking in just how weird online dating is.

Translation: Twenty-five is being grateful for snow days, because otherwise, when in the world would you complete your thesis?


Day 35: January 15

Today is the day you go to the doctor. You shouldn’t feel proud about this. You should have done this two weeks ago. Diagnosis: You have walking pneumonia.

Here’s a fun related fact: You got rid of your prescription insurance January 1 because you never used it last year. Well, enjoying paying for three prescriptions out of your pocket, because this year you are committed to being sickly.

Translation: Twenty-five is understanding the concept and value of insurance.


Writer’s Note: This post is part of a larger series called “Learning Twenty-Five.”