Author: michellejunot.com

Sleep-Notes and Double Yolks

Day 36: January 16

You slept terribly last night, bad dreams, waking up every few hours, sheets in tangles. But, this is actually normal for you. So really, you slept normally last night.

And hey, dude, what’s the deal with your iPhone clutched in your hand? You always sleep like that?

Check it out. You wrote a sleep-note at 3am about a dream you had last night. Must have been something real important that you didn’t want to forget:

At the Barnes and Noble:

There was a public bathroom that, instead of an enclosed stall, contained just a toilet in an open glass room. Then entire store could see into it. There was a single sign posted with directions for properly using the bathroom that said, “PULL UP PANTS QUICKLY!” [so no one gets a good look at your naked parts]

Unfortunately, as is often the case for me, I struggled to get my jeans over my butt. I had to kind of wiggle myself into them. It was a slow process. When I turned around to find the non-existent sink, I saw a guy smirking at me through the glass. He was just standing there, watching me like a creep.

Continue reading →

Online Dating with Walking Pneumonia

Day 32: January 12

Get out of the house for church and brunch, because church always makes you feel better and brunch is delicious. Joke that you have walking pneumonia or something. Notice that people laugh uncomfortably and move their chairs a little further from you than normal.

Overhear a conversation you weren’t supposed to hear. That’s awkward. Remember how challenging life is when you can’t unhear things you’ve heard and you can’t unknow things you now know.

Venture to the coffee shop—by all means, keep spreading your germs—and order without thinking. Laugh when the waiter brings your food: Abita root beer and the only gumbo you’ll accept here. Comfort food. Good ole’ Louisiana comfort food.

Meet up with your trusty friend, because she knows you’re being irrational and she has some non-unknowable things happening in her life, too. Happy hour it up, and use that time to make big life decisions. Like online dating. Yeah. That’s good. Decide that you both need online dating profiles. Invite a trusty man-friend to help with this process, because you know, he’s guy and stuff. He’ll know what to say.

Continue reading →

Dreams Realized, Sorta

Day 28: January 8

Go back to work after a long, long break. It’s exhausting. You’re exhausted. But! check your email at exactly the right time and finally sign up for Baltimore Print Studio’s letter press workshop for February. Get excited. And then get in bed, because Dude, you are still sick.

Translation: Twenty-five is letter pressing. Beautiful, nerdy letter pressing.

____

Day 29: January 9

Take on a new responsibility at work: line up the graduates by shouting their name and telling them where to go. Realize, only as you begin shouting, that you are the worst at pronouncing strangers’ names. Try to compensate by saying, “He-blah-ble-blah over here! And I’m sorry. Really sorry. Don’t worry, I don’t call the names on stage. And congratulations!”

Continue reading →

I’ve been working hard on this website redesign and launching my first book (and the floor was always lava, available May 9), and in doing so, I found this blog that was never published from November 2012. It got caught in “draft-purgatory” on my phone.

The basic set up: I thought I was sick. I googled “symptoms of a stomach virus,” and the related “other questions” popped up at the bottom of my search. (These are real questions that people ask the internet.)

Enjoy!

 

Popular Questions
This is a list of “related questions” that came up after I googled “symptoms of a stomach virus.” A few of these made me laugh. And a couple of these just made me sad.

Delicious Shots of Nature

Day 26: January 6

It’s Sunday; get your butt out of bed. Seriously, get up. Get dressed for church. Put real effort in, and by that I mean you can still wear jeans, but maybe wear boots that don’t have massive holes in the heels (when are you going to let those shoes die by the way?).

Realize, as you’re getting into your car, that there’s this whole “freezing rain” situation. You don’t really know what this entails (I mean, you can guess), but your neighbor spots you slipping and sliding just walking and suggests that maybe you pray from home today. Maybe freezing rain is no joke.

Spend your day making books and cooking something southern for the after Christmas party you’re hosting tonight. (You should have started these books before you got the flu. It’s really difficult to finish these with zero energy.)

Translation: Twenty-five is learning how to handle winter and finding another pair of black boots that won’t let ice come in contact with your stocking-feet. (Those are related goals). It’s also endeavoring to be the kind of person that not only thinks of great gifts, but also the kind of person that executes them on time. Stop being the girl that starts all presents with, “So what happened was…”

Continue reading →